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Sabbath, February 19, 2005Sabbath, November 20, 2004 Pastor Tom Hughes
Newark Seventh-Day Adventist Church

“MARRIAGE: THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF UNITY IN CHRIST ”


Whether you’re married or single I believe this has a lot to say to you this morning. The Apostle Paul, approximately in 60 AD, was imprisoned in the city of Rome. While he was there in prison, this “jailbird” wrote four letters! Colossians, Philemon, Ephesians, and Philippians, that are now in the Bible.

Paul was a jailbird. He was a convicted felon. According to the world, he wasn’t a very nice person because he had been arrested and thrown in prison. Of course, he was thrown in prison because he served the Lord Jesus Christ! So just because you go to jail doesn’t mean you’re a bad person does it? Although it’s not a good idea, I would not recommend it.

But Paul wrote these letters in a chaotic and violent time: Nero was the Emperor. He was a bloody, rotten human being. He was the kind of man who would take people, wrap them in animal skins, stick them on a stick, and light them on fire after he soaked them in oil to light his patio while he had a party. He was a despicable, disgusting human being. A butcher of countless Christians. He set the example.

It was a licentious time, a time when people lived in abject luxury or abject poverty. Murder was rampant; life was cheap. A Roman senator was murdered and, legally, they put 400 slaves to death in retaliation for his murder. Life was very cheap.

Immorality was rampant. Fornication, homosexuality, and adultery were common practices. Homosexuality was a respected lifestyle at this time. It was encouraged by this licentious society and the Ephesians, to whom Paul wrote this letter, were living in the valley. Their city was located at the foot of a high mountain at the top of which was a huge temple (several football fields long and a football field wide surrounded by 160 granite pillars). (This was) where women and men sold themselves for money; (who) claimed to be priests and priestesses in a pagan religion – where if you paid for their services, you were considered to be having relations with a god.

If you wanted to have a child, you had to go have relations with the temple prostitutes in order for “god” to bless you with fertility.

If you wanted to borrow money, you had to go to the temple because they were also the ancient world’s largest bank – the richest bank in the world – loaning money at 3% interest. The temple prostitutes were multi-billionaires!

In this atmosphere, Paul writes to this church with this advice (that) we’re going to study today. Believe it, or not, it was even a more degrading society that we have today (!) in many ways. At least in the city of Newark you don’t have to deal with those kind of things – at least not openly. You can get a loan without having to go to a temple priestess!

So it was startlingly immoral. Money, illicit sex, and religion were all tied together in a weird kind of concoction.

They had no respect for authority,
they had no respect for parents; they had no respect for marital partners. Yet, contrasted with all this selfishness, brutality, insensitivity, and immorality, we have the beautiful letter to the Ephesians, calling men and women alike to be gentle, to be submissive to one another, and to be in Christ.

Now in this time when women were like they are treated today in Afghanistan. In Iran where:

a woman cannot divorce her husband

a man simply has to say, “I divorce you” three times in public and he can legally put her on the street penniless (it is still like that in the Middle East today),

he can sell his wife like you would sell a horse or a cow

Why, when I was in Egypt, I was offered 5,000 camels for Debbie. By the way, that was the highest bid that I heard for any woman on the entire trip. I’m happy to report; I didn’t even consider it! I actually had an Arab threaten to cut my throat so that he could take her with him.

Debbie was clueless in Egypt. I begged her to stay near me! She wandered off by herself and this gentleman was going to skirt her away to be the number one woman in his harem.

She did look very fetching that day, I might add.

Suddenly, she comes running toward me, “Help! Help! This guy is really bothering me! He says he wants me to go with him! He wants me to be in his harem!” She was really, scared! She was wearing a red sweater, she had long, dark hair…and he was totally enamoured with a woman who had very white skin but was also dark in the hair like they were but she had bright blue eyes. Unlike the dark-skinned, brown-eyed women that they were familiar with. So he wanted her to go with him.

When I intervened, he took his hand and went like this (as if to cut his throat), and cursed me. So I looked at him and I went (doubled up his fist at the man)…and he went (gestured); and off he went.

Shame on her! She shouldn’t have wandered off, like Eve. You know? She could have gotten me killed! (Cut from) ear to ear. Not good! Not good!

Five thousand camels…number one wife in his harem. “How much do you want for her? I will give you 5,000 camels.”

Now a camel was probably worth about $500, so that’s no small sum of money that I was offered ($2,500,000)! And I certainly wouldn’t consider it. But what I’m trying to say to you is: How insulting to offer any amount of money to buy a woman – for any amount of money? This is a person for whom Christ died, and yet in that society, women have to stay covered up, men are allowed to beat them with a stick up to a thumb-width.

Lest you think that’s so terrible, in Ireland, they called that the “rule of thumb.” A man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no bigger (around) than this thumb! That’s where that expression “rule of thumb” comes from. So, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya Irishmen,” you’re not much better than they are!

In society back then women were “property.” They were nothing more than a cow or a horse to be bought, sold, and treated any way the man deemed. In this society, this licentious, filthy, oppressive society, Paul says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female. We are all one. We are all in unity in Christ.”

Slave, you don’t have to bow down to that master. Master, you have to serve the slave! Husband, you have to serve the wife. Jew, you have to accept the Black man, the Yellow man, or the Red man. You’re no better, Mr. White man, or Yellow, or Red, than any other. You have to serve one another. We’re all in unity, we’re all brothers, we’re all one in Christ!

In the Bible, there’s no discrimination against women. Paul, in a revolutionary way, stated that there was neither male nor female. It’s not about our sex; it’s about preaching the word of God.

I’ll tell you what: The Adventist Church has 70% of its membership as female. And I say to that 70% of the membership, “Preach Christ, ladies! Lift up the cross! Go boldly forth and present the bloodstained banner of Jesus! Don’t wait for a man to do it for you! We need all the soldiers we can get in this battle!”

How successful is the devil if he can come up with a theory that says 70% of the church can’t preach, can’t minister, can’t use their gifts for God? Uh, Uh! That’s not the way it works. There is neither male nor female in Christ. We are to be submissive to each other, preach the Word with all our heart, mind, and soul.

In Ephesians, Paul writes this beautiful letter calling men and women alike to be gentle. The noblest and gentle is but a faint reflection of Christ’s character. Unity in Christ is the symbol.

And don’t we need the bachelor-apostle’s advice today in a world where we have one in every two marriages ending in divorce; where, even in Christian homes, one out of every three ends in divorce? We’re not much better than the world.

Even among Christians, there is an alarming increase in marital breakups. Teenage marriages have a 4 to 1 odds against being successful. Second marriages have a lower rate of success than first (marriages). People get divorced thinking it’s all the other person’s fault, they remarry, and realize it’s not just the other person.

In this society today, so self-centered, the apostle’s message is greatly needed. Marriage is the symbol of our unity with Jesus, of the church’s unity with Christ, and our unity with one another.

Unity is a very important word. You don’t hear much about it. Unity means, you support Christ and his ministry. You support the pastor, the elders, the church – even if you disagree about some things – you’re still supportive because we’re all one in Christ. We have a unity in our church. We don’t have divisions, we don’t have little “camps” over here: these people want this, these people want that… everybody’s divided. Uh! Uh! Not if you love Jesus! We have unity – we’re one in Christ. And that’s important to have that.

Ephesians 5:22…

This is a favorite text for most husbands!

“Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

How many of you ladies have ever had your husband share that text with you? (Is) anybody willing to admit it? Did your husband ever say to you, “You know the Bible says you’re supposed to submit to your husband.”?

Did you ever hear that?

Men love this text! “Wives, submit to your husbands.” They love it! But we always forget to read verse 25. Did you notice that? It says, “Submit to one another.” Does that mean that the husband is supposed to submit to the wife, too? That’s what it means! It doesn’t mean that the husband is the boss and he gets to boss everybody around and the wife is just supposed to submit to him. There is a role in the church and in the family that men and women play. There are different roles.

That’s the problem I had in the (19)70s with the women’s lib movement where they had the war of the sexes, and where the guys were against the women and the women against the guys. And they were fighting with each other and arguing. I’m all for women’s equality, but equal doesn’t mean the same. Men and women have different roles. In the Bible, especially in marriage, you have different roles.

Now the Bible says in verse 23 “the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to the wife, so let husbands wives be subject to their own husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.”

So we have Women’s Lib saying that men are the enemy and that women, in order to be really free “I am woman, hear me roar…” You know? “I have to be above the man, I have to fight with the man, I’m better than the man, I have to prove that I’m better.” Remember Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs when they had the Battle of the Sexes on the tennis court and that was a big deal back then? Please!

When you read the Bible, the Bible says we’re to submit to one another. That the husband is the head of the family the same way Christ was the head of the church. Does that mean that the husband immediately is to start strutting around and telling the wife what to do, command her, dictate to her, demand submission of her? That’s not what it says. It says we’re to be priests of the family the same way Christ was priest of the church.

We just had Valentine’s Day. If we as men want to be leaders of our families, we need to be priests of the home. Whether we’re single or married, we need to be men who are leaders and examples to our children in the church and to our ladies who look to us for leadership. By that I mean, men, it is our responsibility to say to our family, “Let’s get our Bibles out,” “Let’s read some scripture and have prayer together.” On Friday night, get your Bible out and gather your family around and read a little portion of scripture and have prayer. Keep the devotions short, but have the devotions. Take your wife’s hand sometime during the day or just before bed or whenever, take her hand in yours and pray for her. Pray with her. Pray for your family, for your children, for your grandchildren.

Where are the men who are willing to stand up and take a stand for their own family and be the priest of the home ministering the word of God through daily devotions and through prayer? Where are the men like that? Are they here in this church? Are you willing to rise to that challenge and be the priest of your home? Open the word? Read it with your family? Pray with your family? No, it’s not just about us being the head of the home and telling everyone what to do; it’s about us serving our wives and our children. We need to learn how to validate the emotions and feelings of our wives and children. Not (to) argue with them, not compete with them, but compliment them.

(The) Husband comes home, the wife says, “I can’t stand it, I’ve been home all day with these kids! My house is a mess! I feel terrible!” And what does the husband often say? “Oh really. Well I could clean this place up in an hour! You want me to help you out? I’ll do your work for ya!” Wrong.

All she really wants is for you to say, “Honey, I don’t blame you for feeling that way. You’re overworked, you’re underpaid…” (if) you have small child (or four small children) or all you mothers, I don’t know how many you’ve got, but however many of those little “crumb crunchers” you’ve got running around – I’ll tell you they can take a lot out of you! All she wants is for her husband to say, “I understand. I’m here for you. I will help you. Anything you ask of me, I will be happy to do it. How may I help you?” Not, “Oh man! I’m really tired, too!” Let’s compete with each other to see who’s the most tired! Let’s get our violins out and play “Poor Me!” and whoever plays “Poor Me” louder and longer gets the most sympathy. Okay? Go!

No! That’s not God’s prescription for marital happiness, that’s a prescription for disaster!

If you want to be understood try being understanding.

If you want to be loved try being loving.

If you want to be served try serving. Don’t demand the backrub, give one.

Don’t demand a foot rub, give one.

Don’t demand a neck rub, give one.

Don’t demand a dinner, cook one.

Jesus was the kindest, noblest, most gentle among men. He would listen first; then, speak. We like to argue.

I was coming here to preach a sermon on marriage. My wife and I were talking about when we had to drop the grandchildren off. She said it was a certain distance away from this point, and I said it was another distance and as we began to argue about it, I started getting aggravated. The adrenaline started pumping. My foot started to push down (on the gas pedal). I was so busy arguing with her I didn’t notice the red lights behind me. Cops get a little mad when you don’t pull over right away.

“Why didn’t you pull over?”

“Oh, I …” I should have said, “Oh, I was arguing with my wife.”

“Why were you going too fast?”

“Because the adrenaline was pumpin’ and my foot was pushin’ down!”

I’m arguing with her! I’m going to preach a sermon on marriage and I’m arguing with my wife!

The Bible says that husbands need to remember that as Christ gave himself for us that we’re to lay down our life for our spouses. We’re to give of ourselves to them and not say, “I give and give, and what to I get?” I’ve heard many a wife say the same thing. But Christ never said, “I’ve given too much, what am I getting out of it?” That wasn’t Jesus’ concern.

The way you treat your husband or your wife is the way you would treat Jesus if he were there. And the way you speak to your wife or to your husband, God is writing it down as if you said it to Christ himself. Uh! Oh! Rewind! “I’m sorry! Forgive me, God!” “Forgive me, honey, I think I’m going to improve the way I’m talking to you.”

That little child that looks up at you and is being so defiant and you’re so tempted to say something mean? The angels are writing down what you said to that little child as if you said it to Jesus.

Jesus said, “Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of my brethren, you have done it unto me.”

The average father spends seven minutes a day with his child. It’s kind of hard to raise a child when you only spend seven minutes with it.

God is calling us to be kind. In verse 28 of Ephesians 5, it says, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes it and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church.”

There’s a sacred circle around every family and you should never criticize your husband or wife to your best friend or to your family. Make it a rule to never criticize your partner to a third party.

What happens in this case? Well, you go to your girlfriend and you start telling her all the things you hate about your husband. Well I’ve got news for you. All those things you may hate, she might love. And she might be saying to herself, “Hey, that’s a good man there.” Then when you’re not lookin’ all those little secrets you’ve told her she just might use ‘em to her advantage.

Don’t be foolish. Keep your mouth quiet when talking with others about your spouse, and especially to relatives! You go to your relatives and you complain about your partner and then an hour later the partner makes up with you but your relatives will never forget the dumb stuff you told ‘em! Am I right or wrong?

That’s why Ellen White said there is a sacred circle around every family. And no one else is allowed in that circle but the immediate family. “The husband and wife” she says, “are to be the graveyard for the faults of the other.” The measure of love you show to your spouse is the measure of love that Christ determines you show to him. That’s a high standard, isn’t it?

Just like the Holy Spirit is equal with God, yet he is willing to serve, we need to be willing to serve each other. It is so hard sometimes to do that. It’s so human to be self-centered and say, “Why am I always the one that has to give?”

But I want to encourage you, be the first one to apologize.

Be the first one to say, “I’m sorry.”

Be the first one to take back an unkind remark.

If you’re single, Paul said to you, “Singleness is a gift from God and you should stay single unless God tells you to get married.” Now that’s the opposite of the way the world looks at it! The world looks at it, “Everybody should be single unless God tells them specifically to get married. Singleness is a gift. Don’t walk around feeling like you’re a second-rate citizen if you’re single, that is a gift from God. Use your life to further God’s kingdom. Paul said, “I can do a lot of things that I couldn’t do if was tied down to a wife.” So there’s nothing wrong with being single. It’s a gift from God and you can be a mighty powerful worker for God if you’re single.

If you’re dating someone, give them Bible studies before you get serious and make sure they love the Lord and they’re willing to serve the Lord and not tear you down. Trust me, you’re a lot happier as a single person in Jesus than a married woman with somebody who hates God and who will try to destroy you. You will be miserable in a situation like that. Don’t accept that. If they don’t love the Lord, if they’re not willing to accept Christ and be baptized, don’t marry them! Run as fast as your two little legs can carry you. Get outta there! If they don’t love the Lord, adios amigos. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya! Serve the Lord. Give them Bible studies first.

Wives, you are your husband’s equal. His role is to be the leader of the home. Your role is to also lead but to be supportive of him in his ministry that God has given him to lead in your home.

You single parents, you are the leader of your home whether you’re male or female…lead. Read the Bible together, pray together.

Don’t look at a husband as someone to compete with. Rather, complement each other. Don’t compete for sympathy. Don’t compete to prove who gives more, who does more, who works harder. Admit you both are working hard, you’re doing the best you can, and love one another, and support one another.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I love you.” Especially men…say it often because ladies need to hear it often. Don’t be like the old New England farmer. His wife complained, “In fifty-two years, you’ve never told me you love me.” He said, “I told you when I married you, and if I change my mind I’ll let you know.”

Men, do not be like that guy!

Never criticize one another to a third party. Build one another up; don’t tear each other down. “Serve one another in love. Give of yourself willingly and not defraud one another.”

Be demonstration of Christian unity before the world and remember that a happy and loving family will do more in favor of Christianity than all the sermons that anyone can preach.

Very fortunate indeed is the man or woman who has the type of mate George Elliott once described:

“O the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person having neither to weight the thoughts or measure the words but pouring them all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them. Keep what is worth keeping and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

How many of you would like to say, “Holy Spirit, fill me with the love from heaven and help me everyday to have my personal devotions, and to be the kind of mate that my spouse needs.”?

If you’re single, how many of you would like to say, “God, I’m willing to follow you and I will not become involved with anyone who is not a true Christian.”?

How many of you would like to raise your hand and make these commitments and say, “God, heal my marriage, strengthen my marriage. Fill me with your Spirit, help me to be the man (or the woman) that you want me to be. Help me to serve my partner.” Amen.
I want to encourage you to be willing to serve your husband

…to be willing to serve your wife.

…to be willing to give rather than receive.

And, like Jesus said, it is more blessed to give rather than to receive because in giving to them, Christ will give you your reward in heaven. I have never seen it not work where if you do something kind for your partner, you’ll get it back ten-fold because they will appreciate it so much.

I guess what I’m asking you to do is not be human and petty, but to be divine. “To err is human but to forgive is divine.” Be like Jesus, be one with each other, and may those marriages be strong. Study Ephesians 5 together. Husbands, priests of the home, read Ephesians 5 to your family and become strong in the Lord. Strong marriages make for strong churches. Amen?


All Scriptural References: King James Version

Ellen G. White References: www.whiteestate.org


Transcription: Wendy J. Riebel

This sermon is also available on cassette tape.

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