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Sabbath, September 24, 2005 Newark Seventh-Day Adventist Church
Ephesians 4:31-32 Pastor Tom Hughes
“THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE – IN MARRIAGE”
Ephesians 4:31-32
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
When I say, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse – in marriage” – when we do our marriage seminar this is one of the things we’re going to talk about is Conflict in Marriage and How to Resolve It (Begins October 14, 2005).
When they’ve done studies, these four things if you have them as a regular function in your marriage, you are almost guaranteed a divorce. If you have all four of these things operating in your marriage, you are definitely going to end up divorced – definitely!
The first horseman of the apocalypse in marriage is: Criticism.
Criticism – a spoken or written opinion or judgment of what is wrong or bad about somebody. Disapproval – spoken or written opinions that point out one or more faults of somebody. An opinion or judgment that is disapproving and points out the faults of another person. That’s criticism.
Now you can show disapproval in many ways. At the last church I preached this one of the ladies said, “The opposite of nagging is to ask nicely.”
And I said, “What do you mean?”
“You just say, ‘Would you please take out trash?’ in a nice way.”
And I said, “Is that nagging?”
And in the audience, all the women went, “No.”
And all the men went, “Yeah!”
Fault-finding – Pointing the other person’s faults out.
If you’re not married, this applies to church members. This applies to people who discuss the elders or the Sabbath School teacher, or the pastor. You know the old joke about “Seventh-Day Adventists are vegetarians until they go home and then they become cannibals Sabbath afternoon.”
And let me tell you, this verse I’m about to read to you for a rough-hewn juvenile delinquent, raised on the streets without a father, I have got every bad verbal habit you could have. I am just a rough, tough guy and I apologize. Sometimes that roughness that lack of refinement comes out and I deeply regret it but you are who are, and you know it’s a life-long struggle. (Till) The day I die, it will be something I am trying to work on.
But we need to be aware that criticism, disapproval, pointing out people’s faults is something that God is not pleased with. He does not like it when we do that. That is not our job.
Whose job is it to do that? That is the job of the Holy Spirit. And many non-Adventist spouses reject the church because the wife or husband pretends they’re the Holy Spirit and tries to straighten that spouse out.
You’re not the Holy Spirit. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convict people of sin, not you. And in Ephesians 4:29, the Bible tells us:
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Did I just read what I think I did? “Let no corrupt communication…”? We had better go to prayer!
Father in heaven please help us to understand this scripture and all that we read and discuss here. We need Your heavenly wisdom. We need Your Holy Spirit because this just seems almost unbelievable. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
“…no corrupt communication…” If it doesn’t edify, and if it isn’t seasoned with grace – you don’t say it. Ouch! Anybody else stinging a little bit after that?
It’s so funny, right before my sermon in the prayer section, one of the dear ladies at Reynoldsburg was complaining about her son-in-law and said, “I could just ring his neck!”
And I chuckled, and I said, “Now, you know you’re gonna have to add ‘Bless his heart’ at the end of that sentence!”
You know, that’s the Adventist way of talking about people. “You know, that pastor…blah…blah…blah…bless his heart.”
And as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end, you can say anything you want! I don’t think that’s what this says.
This says, unless your speech is seasoned with grace when you talk about that elder or that pastor or that schoolteacher, unless it is seasoned with grace, you should not say it. Now that is a high standard to reach isn’t it! Ouch!
Ephesians 4:30 – “And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.”
When we let communication come out of our mouth that is corrupt,
that is not good and doesn’t edify and build up but criticizes and tears down,
that is not filled with grace but rather is filled with the law – we’re always so strict with others and easy on ourselves – we judge ourselves by our good intentions and everybody else by the letter of the law.
When we do that, we grieve the Holy Spirit and He is sad when He hears us say those things!
Never, never, never run down your spouse or say anything derogatory about your spouse to anyone other than a pastor or a marriage counselor.
“Pastor! Do you really mean what you just said.”
“Yes, I do!”
“Is it difficult?”
“Yes it is!” J
Can God help us? Yes He can! J
I don’t want to grieve the Holy Spirit. Do you?
The second apocalyptic destroyer of marriage is: Defensiveness.
Aiming to deflect or avoid perceived criticism. Trying to get out of the line of fire. Concentrating more on preventing your opponent from gaining an advantage.
“You’re defensive.”
“Well, why do you say that?”
“Well! What do you mean by that?”
“Well! Are you trying to imply something?”
Now if keep the ball can you score? Being defensive is wrong and it destroys marriages. It is a horrible fault.
What it really says to the other person is, “I’m always right, and you’re always wrong. How dare you question Pope Me!”
The third horseman of the apocalypse of marriage is an attitude of utter disgust, hatred, a powerful feeling of dislike towards somebody or something considered to be worthless, inferior, undeserving of respect, contempt.
Now I’ve seen couples show contempt by being sarcastic. “Well if I have to wait till she cleans the house, hell will freeze over!”
“No, really, honey, I’ll meet you at five o’clock.”
“Sure you will! As if you’re ever on time for anything.”
“Well, I make the money. I’m the one who works. You stay home and just take care of the children.”
A guy came home from work one night and all the kids were in the street, spray-painting his classic car. One of the windows was broken, baseball laying on the seat. Yard furniture was all trashed. The house was filthy. There was water all over the floor from kids playing in the toilet. Clothes were strewn everywhere.
The husband came home, walked in and said, “What in the world is going on around here!”
She said, “You know all those times when you said, ‘What did you do all day?’ and then said, ‘hmph’ and then went upstairs?”
She said, “Well, I didn’t do it today.”
An attitude that considers the other person inferior, worthless, or undeserving of respect.
“Well I have a master’s degree and you only have a high school diploma. I’m educated and you’re not.”
Well some of the smartest people I’ve ever met didn’t even graduate from high school, and some of the dumbest morons in history have had Ph.D’s.
All the students said “Amen!” very loudly. J
What I’m trying to say is just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you’re educated. Just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you’re civil and that you are civilized. You can be rude, and condescending, and ignorant even if you’re well-educated.
And, when the Bible says you should not have a feeling of disgust toward another person or consider yourself superior and them worthless simply because you make the money and they don’t or whatever.
It should be “our money” not “my money” or “your money.”
Married couples feeling contempt, dislike, anger toward the other person, showing no respect towards that man who’s tried to get a job but (has) had difficulty. Toward that woman who is a housewife and is raising your children.
One husband put a picture of a dishwasher that she had requested on the wall in a certain room in the house and said, “When your performance improves, then we’ll talk about the dishwasher.”
Guess what. That’s contempt.
Guess what. They’re divorced. What a surprise, ay?
Contempt. Now how do you show contempt? Roll your eyes. (Have you) ever seen somebody do that? “Oh brother. Not this again!” Contempt!
“Yeah. Sure.” Contempt. Disrespectful towards your wife! By being rude, unkind, pushy, arrogant, smart-alecky, dominant; dictatorial. Men can get that way sometimes and a few women I’ve run into.
Ephesians 4:31 – “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and…”
Whoa! Did I just read “Let all…?”
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice.”
Whoa! I don’t know about you, but I’m guilty. I need to improve. Don’t you?
Have you ever had any evil speaking on your part? Have you ever had any bitterness, wrath, or anger, or clamor? What does it say? “Let it all be put away from you with all malice.”
If you’re angry or hateful towards your spouse or your partner – get rid of that.
Seventh-Day Adventist Christians cannot hold a grudge.
Seventh-Day Adventist husbands have to have the courage to admit when they make a mistake, when they get too angry, when they act too stupid!
Now, I am first in line. Okay? I am first in line. You’re all going to have to get behind me.
Now are we going to have the kind of church where we act like men don’t get mad, we don’t say anything we shouldn’t say, we don’t do anything dumb? Or are we going to admit that most of us have been too pushy, too arrogant, sometimes too strong-willed with our spouses?
Can we be a place where it’s safe to admit that? Well I’m admitting it to you, okay? Especially when I was younger in my marriage, I wasn’t the nicest person in the way I treated my wife. And I’m way better now but I’ve got a ways to go to improve.
And just because as a man you get too angry or say things you shouldn’t say or do some dumb things, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. What it means is (that) we’re all sinners.
We’re all human.
We all need to grow.
We all need to change.
We all need to improve.
And I’m willing to admit that I have faults. And just because you’re a Christian, when you get married and you’re a Christian or if you marry another Christian that doesn’t mean all your problems go away and your marriage is perfect overnight, I’ll tell you right now.
Now can we admit that as a church? Is this a hospital for sinners or do we all have to walk around and act like we’re perfect little saints and we never do anything wrong? Everybody knows you’re full of baloney if you have that attitude because nobody is perfect but Jesus.
So if you have that problem, let’s get it out of our marriages because these are the four horsemen of the apocalypse of marriage. These four things will kill your marriage! So let’s get ‘em out of the marriage. Amen?
What’s the last one? Now this is more of the ladies tend to fall into this category. They guys will fall into contempt- defensiveness a little more. Criticism, both of them pretty much. Stonewalling can go either way but often women feel like rather than deal with a barrage of verbal abuse or pushiness, they’ll just not discuss it and avoid the subject. It’s better just to be quiet because you can get in trouble. But even though that often works to protect you from some of the things you don’t want to hear, it can also degenerate into stonewalling. Now let’s see what that is.
To refuse to cooperate with somebody by avoiding answering questions or providing information.
I just say, “I’m not going to discuss it with you anymore. I’m done.”
“But, I need to talk.”
“Ah!” (cutting her off)
Men will say, “Talk to the hand ‘cause the man don’t understand.”
Have you ever heard that?
“Uh, uh! I’m not gonna talk about it!”
Well, what about that verse in Ephesians 5:21 where it says, “Submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of God…”?
Aren’t we supposed to be submissive to each other and not stonewall and act like we’re always right – “My way, or no way.” – and “If you don’t agree with me, I’m just not gonna talk to ya.”
They used to call this in the old days, the “silent treatment” and it’s destructive.
And then in Ephesians 4:32, here’s another one. “Be ye kind to one another tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.”
Now what are these red flags, infractions to be avoided and guarded against? Well there’s nagging, fault-finding, sarcasm, “holier than thou” attitude: “Well if you would just go to church like you’re supposed to we wouldn’t be having these problems!”
Bringing up the past. “Well I can’t win the argument so, remember back in 1964 when you looked at that blonde and I caught you?”
Unwanted advice. “You know if you were really smart, what you’d do is…”
“You know if you were really intelligent, this is what you’d do, you would to this, this, and this.”
And men love this, you know, the wife will ask him to build a cabinet or do something and the lady comes in and starts telling him how to build it and the guy’s like, “I can build it, just leave me alone, and I’ll do it.” J
Unwanted advice. Have you ever had any given to you? Have you ever offered any? Did you realize that it can actually be a negative in a marriage?
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt – now that you’ve heard the bad news, let’s see if we can come up with good news!
What is the opposite of:
Fault-finding – praise
Nagging – be quiet
Defensiveness – confess your faults one to another, admit your weaknesses
Don’t you think, ladies, if a man says, “I’ve got a problem. I’m sorry. I’m workin’ on it.” Don’t you think that makes it a lot easier to take when the guy makes a mistake?
But guys you think that if you admit fault or apologize that somehow it makes you less of a man, you’re watchin’ too many John Wayne movies, man! When he says, “never apologize” that guy had a miserable life. He was divorced, he was messed up. Every marriage he had it was messed up. He was an alcoholic, drank too much, I mean, come on! Don’t follow that guy! Never apologize! Come on!
When you say you’re sorry and admit you have a problem, and get that defensiveness down, it builds intimacy. That’s what I’ve found and I’ve seen it work time and time again. Women can be very understanding, and men as well if you just admit you’ve got a problem and you’re working on it. Amen?
So, let’s be open. What did she say? Confess your faults to one another and be willing to admit your faults and be willing to apologize and it’ll help your marriage.
Holier than thou – admitting you’re not perfect, and asking for forgiveness and moving on. And that would be good for Bringing up the past as well wouldn’t it? Move on. Don’t linger.
Unwanted Advice – silence is golden - be quiet
Criticism – praise
Bringing up the past – let a dead dog lie. If you’ve forgiven them, there is no past.
Too much logic –
Stonewalling – cooperate. Work together. What do you want to get? You want a win-win, right? People are always trying to get a win-lose: “I win, you lose.” How about a win-win? I had a lady sell me two plants. She told me they were the same. I planted them in my house, they grew up. One was big and bushy, one was little! Same family, different plant. My wife, who notices things like that, let me tell ya. “They’re not the same!”
I called the lady up. “Okay, I’ll come by and see.”
She says, “Yes, you’re right. They were mis-tagged.”
I said, “That’s okay.”
She says, “Well, you want me to come out and switch one?”
I said, “Well how about if you plant that one in the back yard and I’ll buy a new one from you, and then we can have a win-win. You’ll be comin’ out but you’ll also be getting paid for something that you’re doing and we’ll both win that way?”
She said, “Fine.”
I like that solution because she was nice, she came out and helped us and we helped her by buying another one of her plants. And in a marriage, if you look for a win-win:
How can I help them save face?
How can I build their ego (and) not tear them down?
How can I build up their pride (and) not tear it down?
How can I make them feel good about themselves, not make them feel bad or worthless, or like I don’t respect them?
Sarcasm – truth with barbed wire in it – you can be honest and not be sarcastic. Sarcasm can be funny and it can be teasing and it can be nice, but never, never, never make a joke at your partner’s expense. Amen? Because you think they’re laughing, but they’re not.
Contempt - what is the opposite of belittling? Build them up. Edify! Encourage them. We can all learn from Barnabas couldn’t we? So, the service is about to end but your service to each other is just beginning. Would you please take these things and try to not do the negative things and try to do the positive things, and make a difference in your marriage an in your life? As you talk to one another and as you’re married with each other, and by all means avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse of marriage!
Special Music…
I just thought this would be a nice song because it really talks about what we need to do to be kind to one another and to acknowledge that in all things God is our Lord and Savior. Jesus isn’t just our Savior, He’s our Lord.
And He said, “Inasmuch as you’ve done it unto the least of my brethren, you’ve done it unto me.” The way you treat your spouse, your child, your fellow church members, is the way you would treat Christ if He were here. We need to be a lot less rude to each other, Amen? And a lot kinder.
Above All
Above all powers above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began
Above all kingdoms above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There’s no way to measure what You’re worth
Crucified laid behind stone
You lived to die rejected and alone
Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall and thought of me
Above all…
Special Music: “Above All,” sung by Pastor Tom Hughes
All Scriptural References: New King James Version
Ellen G. White References: www.whiteestate.org
Transcription: Wendy J. Riebel
This sermon is also available on cassette tape.
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